Laughing Heirs
SHORT QUIZ
- How long did the Hundred Years War last?
- Which country makes Panama hats?
- From which animal do we get catgut?
- In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
- What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
- The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
- What was King George VI’s first name?
- What color is a purple finch?
- Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
- All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS, New laughs and other interesting things at the bottom.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.” “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?” The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, “Now, you have everything.”
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!!!” “Congratulations for what?” asks the lawyer. “Congratulations for what?!?!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.” “But that’s not true,” says the lawyer. “I only lived to be forty.” “That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”
A woman decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She said she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. “Why Bloomingdales?” asked her lawyer. “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me at least twice a week.”
It seems an older gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. A month later he returned to the doctor and the doctor said, “your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times.”
A prominent criminal defense attorney was making the closing argument in the murder trial of his client, Stanley Stalker. Although charged with murder in the first degree, the police and prosecution were unable to recover the body of the victim. In the midst of his closing, the lawyer suddenly turned to the large antique clock in the back of the courtroom and pointing to it, exclaimed, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have astounding news to share with you! I have found the supposed victim of this murder alive! And in just a matter of seconds, she will walk through the back door of this courtroom.”
The courtroom fell to a sudden silence as everyone waited for the supposed victim’s dramatic entry. The smirking lawyer continued, “The very fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have much more than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.” Impressed with his cleverness, the pompous attorney sat down to await acquittal.
The jury was instructed, filed out of the courtroom and, in just a matter of minutes, returned with a guilty verdict. Enraged by the jury’s findings, the lawyer chased after the jury foreman screaming, “Guilty? How in the world could you convict? You were all watching the door!” “Well,” the foreman replied, “Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he was not watching the door.”
The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by astute witnesses:
“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know it until the next morning?”
“Were you present when your picture was taken?”
“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
“How many times have you committed suicide?”
Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood! ”
“Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? ”
A: “All of my autopsies are performed on dead people”
Q: “Do you recall the exact time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy”
Q: “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
“Lawyers are like beavers: they get in the mainstream and dam it up!”-John Naisbitt
“The ideal client is the very wealthy man in very great trouble.”-John Sterling
“God works wonders now and then; Behold! A lawyer, an honest Man!”-Benjamin Franklin
“A missed opportunity: a busload of lawyers with one empty seat went over a cliff!”-Unknown
“The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science that smiles in your face while it picks your pocket.”-H. L. Mencken
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be!”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change which foot was previously there.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee should go far — and the sooner he starts, the better.”
Q: “What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in quicksand?”
A: “Not enough quicksand!”
Q: “What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?”
A: “A Doberman!”
Q: “Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?”
A: “If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.”
Q: “What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?”
A: “Skeet!”
Eating Sandwhiches =================== Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It’s amazing what a little proofreading would provide. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
Don’t let worry kill you — let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
NEW: DID YOU KNOW?
1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
2. Coca-Cola was originally green.
3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
4. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
5. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% now get this…
7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
8. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper r in their hair.
11. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades – King David, Hearts –
Charlemagne, Clubs-Alexander the Great, Diamonds – Julius Caesar
16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
19. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
20. Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
21. The Los Angeles Rams where the first football team to paint team logos on their helmets.
22. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League Baseball All-Star Game.
23. How about this…. The nursery rhyme “Ring around the Rosy” is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores (“Ring around t! he rosy…”), these sores would smell very bad, so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously) so that they would cover the smell of the sores (“…a pocket full of posies…”). People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease (“…ashes, ashes, we all fall down!”).
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. What separates “60 Minutes,” on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
1. In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight”.
2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s ! father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”.
4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.
5. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden…. and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
NEW Only in America………..
A Charlotte NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stock-pile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued….and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”
NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim, and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.